The 100 Year old Virgin aka Emmett's Advice
by BellaFlan
Summary: Cut to the bachelor Party scene from Breaking Dawn. Emmett decides it's time to give Edward "The Talk". One shot...just a bit of fun. Rated M for graphic language.


**Author's Note - All of the usual legal disclaimers apply, characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, this is fan fiction...A one shot bit of fluff for TishPhoenix - I offer my twisted Emmett POV. Enjoy!**

Haha, this was going to be fun. I can't believe Jasper had to drag Edward to his own fucking bachelor party. _Seriously dude? Chill the fuck out, you have an eternity to play the role of Mr. Sensitive Feathery Stroker aka Bella's Bitch._

"Are we going hunting already or does this party consist only of you hurling mental insults at me?" Edward's eyes are fixed on Bella's window. Jasper is hanging out on the roof, using his Jedi Mind Tricks to make her calm enough to sleep.

"Whipped, whipped, whipped. So sad little brother. Sorely whipped by a little girl."

Edward is scowling at me...It doesn't matter, I have a mission to accomplish as the dutiful sex stud of the Cullen household.

"Please Emmett," Edward pretty much begs like a pussy. "I know where your mind is. I can't fathom this discussion."

_Alright Gaynard, listen. Tomorrow is your wedding night and you've got no fucking clue._

"Language, Emmett. There's no need to be vulgar."

"Can't help it. My inner censor is too busy fucking your sister."

"Jesus Christ, Emmett. I'm nervous enough as it is."

I take out a sketch pad and a pencil and draw a crude hourglass with a big ass and a pair of titties.

"There's really no need. Please, I've already spoken with Carlisle...why is your picture only of a torso?"

_Yeah, yeah, and I know that he told you all about sweet Leona Lewis lovemaking. I'm gonna teach you about fucking_...Oh, did I forget to draw a head? Must have slipped my mind. Oops, I just pictured Rosalie naked.

"Emmett, if I pay heed to this lecture will you promise not think about my sister in such a compromising...position."

_Sure, I'll just imagine Bella. I bet she's got a tight little-_

"I'm leaving."

_Well, I have to think about someone. I have so much wisdom to share._

"Fine! One of the Denali's perhaps?"

_Which one?_

"I don't know...Kate?"

_You slut! I knew you "showed a preference" for one of them._

"It honestly doesn't matter so long as you don't think about Bella or Rosalie."

So just to be an asshole I think about Alice. My jaw is met by Edward's swift fist. Doesn't hurt one bit...he punches like an emo douche bag.

"You punch like an emo douche bag!"

"I heard you the first time," Edward growls.

_What do you know about pussy?_

"Pardon me?"

"Pussy...or as the French say, puss-say."

"Emmett-"

_You know...Va-jay-jay, Piss Flaps, Bearded Clam, Jizz Receptacle, Fur Burger, Chipped Ham, Muff Chuff, Cock Sheath?_

"How do I get you to stop?"

"By answering the fucking question!"

"I understand the female anatomy...where everything goes."

_Do you know about the love button._

"The clitoris?"

_Indeed._

"Yes, it's the bundle of nerves were the labia converge."

_God, that's hot. Okay, so this is how you eat pussy_. I'm picturing Kate opening her legs and I dip my head down, pushing my tongue into her love canal.

"You know what, can we go back to your sad little drawing? I'm disturbed beyond words by your little odyssey between Kate's legs."

_Whatever floats your boat, Fucknard._

"How do you ever come up with these witty nicknames?"

"Oh, I've written a whole book of them. Every word ends in "nard". It's really easy to turn a word into an insult by adding a "nard" to the end...Catnard."

Edward ignores my scathing retort. "Will it hurt her...the penetration?"

"yeah, probably." Like a fucking bitch. Oops.

"What can I do, to make it more...pleasurable for her."

_Aha! Here's where I can help...Look at the drawing. _Since this is Edward I decide I should probably add a head and legs to my picture. I label all of the fun bits. _Listen closely. For the utmost fun during sexy time you'll need to hit all of the crucial points. Here we have one and two, thee and four, five and six...oh and seven._

"Ahem...seven?"

_Jesus Christ, you don't know about seven?_

"But...but_"_

_That's right, my brother. I'm talking about introducing 'one-eyed Eddie' to 'Bella's brown eye' or as I like to call it, 'the meat-missile mud bath'._

"That's disgusting!"

_Nah, man. Chicks dig it. Feels so wrong that it's right...Just ask Rosalie-_

"Fuck you!"

_Ah shit, I love it when you talk dirty to me. Give us a kiss then._

"This conversation is over."

_Sorry! Wait, I really am trying to help. Maybe seven is a little bit intermediate for the first time. I think we should just concentrate on five and six._

I turn the page over in the sketch book and draw a new doodle._  
_

_*_  
({})

_OK, so here's an arial view of five and six... The rookie mistake would be to ignore five altogether and concentrate on six. Do not underestimate the power of number five. Number five is the secret to securing the desired response from number six. Nothing worse than rutting your head against a brick wall if you catch my drift._

"How could I not? You are the master of the single entendre."

_I imagine you've already visited all of the first four destinations but perhaps I should offer you a refresher course._

Edward looks slightly ashamed.

_Seriously never even rounded second base?_

He shakes his head.

_Christ, forget about Bella. You need to concentrate on not blowing your wad. _

"Well, if that's my problem, then you've actually been very helpful."

_Oh yeah?_

"Thoroughly."

_So how are you going to handle your shit?_

"How do I plan to delay orgasm?"

_That's what I asked?_

"By picturing you eating pussy. Most repulsive thing I've ever seen."

_Ahhh, my little girl is becoming a man.

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**Author's Note: Reviews are nice, but honestly, this was just a bit of fun!** **Back to work now on my real fics.**


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